ADAM SANDLER'S HOROSCOPE
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to
reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the
FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you
for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are
nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means
your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes
you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will
always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most
leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation
more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is
sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If
you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary
gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a wreckless tendency to rely
on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit.
There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.